Fat is my new black.

30 Jan

When I was in high school, I had an affinity for wigs. Yes, wigs. My favorite was one that allowed me to have a mullet hair cut, and the tag on the inside read “Black is beautiful”. Well, fat is my new black.

With Cushing’s, everything is way out of my control and I’m literally unable to do anything to control the things that have happened and are happening to my body. Other than going with the flow, living a healthy lifestyle, and taking a few medications, there’s not a thing I can do to stop the symptoms from piling up. I have always had a very poor body image, and when I was a size 8 and weighed 165ish pounds, I thought I was morbidly obese every time I looked in the mirror. My BMI was in the “healthy” range. Now, categorically speaking, I am classified as “obese”.

Being fat is not ideal, but I have come to accept it for what it’s worth. This is a temporary situation, and this too, shall pass. But when?  I’ve been enduring the madness that is Cushing’s Disease for quite some time now and I’m ready for it all to just be over. My brain tumor is apparently gone, but there’s a 10% chance it will grow back (but that leaves me with a 90% chance that it won’t!)…I go back down to Shands on February 21st for a follow-up MRI and more results. If this past surgery wasn’t 100% effective, there’s a very good/real chance that I will have to have my adrenal glands removed, which is not exactly what I’m hoping for.

Back to the bigness I have encountered, it really has opened up my eyes to a whole new world. I don’t move like I used to and I can’t do some of the things I once used to love. People look at me differently and probably assume the worst – that I am fat and can’t take care of myself. Quite the opposite is true, aside from being fat. I have a very serious medical condition that has MADE me this way. I promise I did not ask for this condition to be bestowed upon me, that I can say. I am sometimes embarrassed to leave my house because I don’t want to be judged for the way I look, but I am coming to terms with the way I have become for the time being.

Being this size doesn’t change who I am. If anything, I have become a much nicer person and much more accepting after having been diagnosed with Cushing’s. It goes to show that you literally cannot judge anyone for anything, especially things that are physical. At first glance, you have NO IDEA what someone has gone through, is going through, or will go through in life. Moral of the story: Be nice to everyone you encounter!

To make a long story short, fat is the new black and I wear it well. In the words of the trashy pop band, LMFAO, “I’m sexy and I know it.”…I work out (sometimes)…

With love and a camel no longer in tow,



2 Responses to “Fat is my new black.”

  1. Doris Hutchins January 30, 2012 at 1:58 pm #

    You are beautiful, no matter what!!!!!

  2. Author July 17, 2012 at 4:08 pm #

    Have you ever thought at a vegan diet to help the ease the effects of the Cushing’s?
    It is discussed a lot on the web and lots of people speak about positive results.
    Good Luck on your journey 🙂

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